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Friday, July 2, 2010

To Decide.

One of William Shakespeare's quotes that echo in my mind has always been
"to be, or not to be" which was in Hamlet.

At 23 years old, I think my question isn't to be or not to be - but "to decide, or not to decide".

I am a firm believer of "failing to plan is planning to fail" but really, at this point, I know for a fact that there are no hard and fast rules on life. The only things that are certain in this world to me is 1) God and 2) the world changing.

I haven't blogged for a long time because I began to believe that what I want to say is not worth saying if no one is reading it. I'm wrong. What I want to say is worth saying even if I'm the only reader. Maybe, the most important audience I really need is 1) God and 2) myself.

I am at a fork road again - a turning point that I should have been at so long ago I feel ashamed that I'm there now. I feel like I've lost too much time - but that's only when I discount the experiences that have led me to be someone so much closer to who I want to be than who I was at the beginning of this 5 1/2 year journey. These trials didn't turn me into a straight-A student, unfortunately, but it turned me to someone I can say I am satisfied to be - at least for today.

I want to be so much more than who I am right at this moment.

I feel that Shakespeare's line, "to be, or not to be" is hard to answer.
I know for a fact that "maybe" is not an answer.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Realization

The news about Haiti has been circulating for quite some time now. There’s something about me that doesn’t want to know what’s going on in the world. I hear people mentioning the earthquake and even saw some footage of the victims on someone’s computer since I was sitting near her while I visited a friend who works in church. I guess I wonder if ignorance is bliss or if ignorance breeds discontentment.

I’ve never been someone who likes to sit down and ponder about things. I like to be on the move – I love action, and I love doing things or making things happen. I’m terrible at multitasking but I love to focus on my tasks and let myself slip away into the world of workaholics. These 2 and a half months have been unexplainable for me. I have never bummed around so much in my life before without guilt. Though I say so, I believe that the nagging feeling of being a lazy couch potato lingers at the back of my mind – the only way I manage to push those nasty thoughts way is my upcoming graduation in July.

Back to the victims in Haiti, I found out that 200,000 people died in the earthquake. This girl, who is 18, reminded me to keep hanging on, no matter what the cost is.

The most realistic thing about life at times, is that when you’ve been through something like 6 days of suffering beneath rubble with no food, water or sunlight is that you’re scarred rather for life. It takes it’s toll on you weather you like it or not. You’re not walking out of there without reminders of where you’ve been. All of us get scarred by events in life. If you’ve hit 18 – Falon’s age and you’re not scarred in any way – please tell me how you did it. I need some advice.

[Falon] bears physical scars as proof of her ordeal. A bandage on her left shoulder. A fractured hipbone. Cuts and scrapes cover her head and arms.

I have my scars. Much less visible or external than Falon’s – we all do. Why do I compare myself to a Haiti girl who almost lost her life? Am I worthy of saying that my wounds – though not physical are as deep as hers? As hard to endure? I don’t know. I can’t be the judge of that. What I do know is that when you’ve been though a situation that you thought you can’t live through previously, it makes you stronger, and less afraid of hurdles to come.

Falon chanted the Lord’s prayer until she was discovered.

It is faith that has me believing that He is real, that He’s there and that that belief itself, is something so darn powerful. What are you chanting when your world collapses under you and you’re stuck under rubble? Do you know you’ll always keep breathing or have you begun to lose hope?